Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Birthday Blues

Birthday Blues

It’s my birthday today. Wow, am I feeling OLD! 52 years old! This means I am unmarketable, undateable, I should be put out to pasture in the dating front, correction- in all fronts. In my head I still see myself as a medium size 35 year old. With good skin, and pretty, in a bland way. When I walk I imagine myself walking briskly and attractively. In actual fact I walk like I’m carrying a ton of food in my arms, trying to balance it! Having successfully avoided full length mirrors for years, barely looking at the mirrors over the basins, one day I literally scared myself, when I  saw myself in the mirror. What?!! When did that happen? Was I abducted by aliens who did beauty experiments on me, failed and sent me back all wrinkled and fat and grey haired? That is not me! Give me back my face  and body, aliens!

 I then decided to get some cheap black hair dye. The one that is so black that it makes your hair look like a wig, in contrast to your wrinkly face?- I had lost a lot of weight during a very traumatic period in my life.- I bought new clothes, and bought some make up to hide the wrinkles. I have since put on weight and I am less wrinkly! - By the way, that is the solution to not having wrinkle! Put on weight- All the fat in your face makes most of the wrinkles disappear. So if I lose weight I will have this extra   skin under my chin hanging down like turkey skin. That is my dilemma, if I lose weight, I will look old because of the turkey skin, if I stay fat I still look old. Don’t tell me to get a face lift, I can’t afford it. Also, what if, the surgeon stretches my face out so tight, that it seems like I am being electrocuted all the time. No, cannot take that risk.

Besides my looks, what do I do at 52 years? I cannot practice law here, in Goa. I am not an Indian citizen. All I do is ward off potential thieves from trying to steal our properties; and this blog, criticising the Indians. To my detriment, of course,  just waiting to be arrested on sedition, for being anti nationalistic in the so called biggest “Democracy in the world!” it reminds me of the terrible days when, I witnessed my fellow university students and lecturers being detained by the Moi regime in Kenya, on charges of sedition. It only made the government more unpopular, and the people more adamant to be heard no matter the cost to their freedom. The government was ultimately democratically removed, by people voting overwhelmingly for the opposition. This government should learn from the history of other countries too, especially Africa, and not just focus on India’s greatness”.
Another problem is, I am too old to go to a developed country; they will not accept me, anyway. I cannot contribute to their economy as a strong worker; I certainly am not made to work in a sandwich factory in England, with the monotony of packing food I cannot eat! Or, too weak to push trolleys at the airport. Too, stupid to be a teacher. Actually that is not true, I find teaching boring! I tried it once; I take my hat off to all the educators out there. It is truly a calling. Children are scary, always judging you!
I was always interested in doing psychology, I have met so many, who have tried to keep me sane, and when they could not, I went to psychics. Sometimes I went to both. The psychologist tried to make me believe in myself and that I had the power within me to over-come my issues, while the psychics saw all these dark forces around me destroying my life and how I had to turn to the forces of the light to fight them. It was like being on drugs- I think, never did it- either way, I escaped reality! So if I combined psychic practice with psychology, I could make a ton of money. Right? (I want to be a billionaire, oh so bad!-Bruno Mars) The clients want solutions to their problems. It’s all about believing!  I looked up online courses and there are none available in India. Or maybe the forces do not want me to do it!

So, I realise that I have become a recluse. I don’t like mingling with people who give me unsolicited advice about what I should about my weight, or my life. I know I want to do something from home. I need to figure it out, and really quickly, because my daughter is growing up really fast, and she will need to go to university, and I need to find a way to pay for it. She is really talented, unlike me, so I have been trying to get her to make some funny (ha-ha) videos that could go viral and she could pay her own way through college and support me at the same time. I don’t know why she keeps ignoring me! Perhaps if I tell her, it’s my birthday wish, she might listen?

I remember once watching Oprah, and she was talking about her experience of being in her 50s. She said it was the period when one has found oneself, and you are peaceful and calm. That is a load of BS, maybe so only if you are a F...g Billionaire! To “normal” people like me, it’s a time when you are too old to get a new job and too young to retire.

So that is where I am at 52 years old: Fat; old and LOST! HELP!!!!

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