Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Stop Calling Me Stupid, Stupid!

 Stop Calling Me, Stupid, Stupid!!

The worst insult you could give me ever, is call me stupid! The next is to call me old and the other is to call me fat. I know I am all those, but only I can call myself those adjectives. I become like a raging bull, -internally- I can feel my eyes turning fiery red and my nostrils snorting out smoke, like in those cartoons. But civility prevails, most times, and I ignore the comment. Not always though.
Why do I feel that way? Aren't we all stupid in some things and smart in others? What do people see in me? Am I wrapped in a blanket of stupidity that make me look obviously stupid? I speak English better than many here in Goa, because that is the only language I know fluently. Does  speaking in English make you seem smart? I have done law, out-smarted con men in Goa, saved my family, and yet people think I am so stupid!  What the F...? Or perhaps I do look so stupid that con men come after me in the first place?

This morning I was at the pharmacy, which I have been going to for the past 4 years. They've decided to go online, and now the customers will be able to order via email, and the drugs will be delivered to your home! Wow! Probably,  the first in Goa. The pharmacist gives me this card to fill out. Then he has the nerve to ask me if I knew how to fill the card, which entails me filling out my name; address; email and phone number. How hard is that?  So I grabbed the pen and filled out the form grudgingly. Then the SOB says,” do you know how to use an email?”  I wanted to flip him, but then this is the only pharmacy that gives me sleeping pills, without a prescription. Does he think I live in a cave? Even a child knows how to use email! I curtly said yes, and walked out in rage. That was so offensive to me!
So, here I am wondering why would he think I was so ignorant. Was it because of the way I look? I am over-weight, and that makes me look older than my 52 years. Then I think that if he thinks I look 62 years old, let’s say- and I probably do, but I do not want to admit it- then does he think that at 62, I would not know how to use a computer? How insulting and biased, is that? Or is it because I am a woman and “I am old”, that he automatically assumes that? Is it the culture here, or do the educated assume that everyone else is stupid? It’s very condescending, I must say.

I've struggled with that image all my life! I've been overweight t since I was 12 years old. I was one of the smartest kids in primary school. Then when I went to secondary school, it was so competitive; my peers seemed smarter than me and socially better than me. They joked about my weight, and I just wanted to hide. I felt shy and stupid. The teachers would favour the very smart students and ignored the others. I was ignored. Yet, I got into university, while some of the one who were not ignored, never made it to university. But by then my self-esteem was so battered that I wondered if I deserved to be there. Worst of all, I did not get in to do law, which was my main goal. I was not good enough.  That is why I am so sensitive  about being stupid, I suppose. So I completed my B.A. and found a way to get into law school, while I articled at a law firm in Kenya. It was tough but I made it. Sometimes I felt I was really good at what did and other times I didn't. I loved the law and the validation it gave me. I loved helping people and the power that came with it. And yet, today someone asks me if I know how to fill out a form?
The reason I am over-weight is - yes, I love food- but I love food more when I am stressed.  I am stressed all the time. Yeah, I know about Yoga and meditation, but I don’t want to do it okay? At that moment I want to eat! Yes, I suppose it’s an addiction! This in turn has resulted in me suffering from Candida, which is a yeast infection, that causes me to become blotted, and I get skin problems, caused by this yeast growth in the small intestines. This also affects me psychologically. I become depressed and moody, and then find it difficult to do things. This leads me to emotional eating, again because of the guilt.  At its worst, apart from the torture of the skin sores, I have joint pains, and sometimes it is difficult to walk, or bend. I tend to forget things at times. Making me stupid!

The only treatment for this is to stop eating sugar completely, no gluten products, no processed food, and no caffeine. I have to exercising. But I am too depressed to do it. There are very few times I have been disciplined enough to go on that diet, and I have seen the weight just shed away. Then something stressful happens and I begin to binge again, and it recurs. It’s reached a point where I am so tired, of all the shit around me that I want to give in to the depression and hide forever.

My Candida has gotten worse in Goa, because I am always angry. I am constantly dealing with men who think that women are stupid and inferior. I want to slap the shit out of them, but I can’t, not if I need to get things done, and stay out of jail! Instead I eat. What makes me even more angry is when some person talks to me about how unhealthy I look because I am over weight and how I should go on a diet and how I should exercise every day. Otherwise I will die and my poor daughter will be alone. Then I wonder how stupid do these people think I am. I am 52 years old, I am educated, why would I not know the dangers of being obese or how to diet and exercise. Why would they think that I have never dieted or exercised before? I want to yell at them, and say “I AM NOT A F...IDIOT, NOT TO KNOW I AM FAT! I AM FAT BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS I AM AN IDIOT, AND THAT MAKE ME SAD AND ANGRY AND I CAN’T YELL AT YOU, SO I HIDE MY EMOTIONS BY EATING!! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU BIGOTED IDIOT!!” 

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